It's me, mike hillebrecht

The faint to blaring shrills of my mother often ring in my head during times of conflict. “You tell them you’re sorry!” “You go over there right now and apologize for your behavior!” These two seem to be the most prominent ones, but any others always employ the same action: say you’re sorry and apologize.

I’m fairly certain that you’ve experienced the same treatment for some action you accomplished with great pride, only to have it rendered invalid by, “Say you’re sorry and apologize.” Begrudgingly, you probably did the same thing I did, slowly shuffled off toward the injured party, head hanging low, softly mumbled the obligatory phrase which leads to the redemption of your character, all the while knowing, deep down inside, you didn’t feel that what you were doing was right.

These are difficult lessons to learn as a child, however, the adults always remind us that this will be of benefit to us when we grow up. Then you meet someone who takes your breath away, who causes your body to vibrate in mysterious ways, and who, regrettably, stands at the opposite end of a small disagreement waiting for you to redeem your character, despite the implanted gnawing feel that this just ain’t right. What to do, what to do? (said to the rhythm of the tapping foot waiting…and waiting.)

Have you ever considered what “sorry” and “apology” truly mean? Did your mother ever explain to you the difference or gist of what your act was conveying? Mine didn’t, at least not that I recall during any of the times I was coerced into making these pronouncements. And, actually when I look back at my child rearing days, I don’t recall explaining this to any of my kids either. (Some today may interpret that revelation as an example of the woes of poor child rearing, both from my parents who it passed down to me, and I to my children. However, I survived the generation of the belt, worn on pants which occassionally graced your seat, which those same interpreters view as an archaic form of corporeal punishment venturing into child abuse, both at home and in the car. Get over it, I did.) Back to the matter at hand.

You pop some punk in the mouth. Are you sorry? Too violent an example? Ok, well…you trip over the dog and fall against the end table causing the heirloom vase from a great aunt to fall and shatter into a thousand shards of aggravation. Are you sorry? Before you plop the default response into the lap of a hysterical relative, do you know what “sorry” means? Dictionary please. Sorry means:

1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.:
2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic:
3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad:
4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.
5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful:

The first definition employs the word “regret.” Every time I hear that word I recall the line from that famous Frank Sinatra song, My Way, which says, “…Regrets, I’ve had a few; but too few to mention…” If Frank, who lived a pretty amazing life, only had a few regrets and wouldn’t even mention them, this vase, if it’s my way, is not on my regret list. This also goes for “compunction” which has to do with anxiety over a regret. No regret, no anxiety – easy peasy.

Sorry, for most people, means to be sorrowful, grieved, or sad. Honestly, most occurrences where these types of feelings and emotions are being displayed, seem for the most part, to be coming from the relative with the look of horror on their face. So, I’d say that they need to tell me they’re sorry, right? The more I think about it, parents, or order to set this entire matter right, need to impress upon their children to go up to people and tell them, “You’re sorry,” rather than, “I’m sorry’” which obviously the child isn’t, and never has been throughout this matter. Since telling the truth is an important lesson too, this will help the child to know how what they do in these matters is right when you tell people how their demeanor shows that they are sorry or sorrowful. Parents need to be ready to explain to their child that the exclamation of, “You poor, useless and pitiful wretch,” is not intended as a claim about the child but how this person really feels about themselves in their sorrowful state.

So, this brings us to the term “apologize” which is the action form of the word “apology.” Since your understanding of “sorry” has been torn apart and reassembled into its proper context, let’s call upon the dictionary once again to offer to us the meaning. Apology means:

1. a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another:
2. a defense, excuse, or justification in speech or writing, as for a cause or doctrine.
3. (initial capital letter, italics) a dialogue by Plato, centering on Socrates’ defense before the tribunal that condemned him to death.
4. an inferior specimen or substitute; makeshift:

I’ve already dealt with the regret issue and also the matter of stating that the someone who is sorry or sorrowful is not the one who is required to make a false confession. A defense for my actions, a justification of why I popped Jonnie in the nose for being a stupid person who insulted me, that might be a bit much for a child who can’t write very clearly and has already been judged and convicted by a parent trying to keep the peace with the neighbors. Even when I’m standing toe to toe with that sweet thing and look into those eyes enraged with hormones…there is no way my defense will be viewed as anything but an excuse from an inferior specimen who can be substituted by someone else. In those moments it is best to act as Socrates and just drink the poison.

Do you see how we have messed with the minds of our children? “Go apologize and say you’re sorry.” No wonder it never feels right. It isn’t, plain and simple! No child, and no adult, should be put in such a confounding predicament where being wrong is viewed right.

Now I know that some of you justification folks will jump all over my seeming dismissal of an apology because the purpose of an “apology” according to the first definition is to address the matter with someone who you have insulted, failed, injured or wronged. I truly believe that in each of these instances, an apology is not what is the answer. How? Consider that any defense offered for your actions, even if completely justified in a court of law, will never be fairly judged by your peers. The person you are petitioning, the injured one, is the judge and jury, and despite what you may think about fairness, they have spite for you. Don’t try to seem righteousness now that I have exposed this little chink in the old apology armor. How many times have you said, “I don’t accept your apology,” when one was faithfully offered?

Please forgive me if I stepped on anyone’s toes with my hobnailed boots. You see what I did there? Therein lies the answer. It is the path never offered to children, rarely employed by adults and seemingly mysterious in nature when presented before someone. Forgiveness. Can you offer it to another and receive it for yourself? God never asked you to apologize for killing his son, did he? God fully recognizes that Christians are a sorry bunch of people and every new believer becomes sorry too. But Jesus asked the Father to forgive us – all of us. Why? According to Jesus, because we don’t know what we’re doing. Much hasn’t changed since then and forgiveness still covers all the foibles we make with people.

Forgiveness permits us to act like God. After all, isn’t that truly, deep down inside what most of us want to be, God? Paul even commands us to act like God just like little children do. Ask for forgiveness when you’ve insulted someone. Ask for forgiveness when you’ve failed someone. Ask for forgiveness when you’ve injured someone. Ask for forgiveness when you’ve wronged someone. It’s not a defense; it’s a statement of the truth of who you are and how you blew it. Hopefully you’ll do better next time.

“But what if they don’t forgive me?” There is the remote chance that someone just doesn’t want to be like God. They probably realize that God is love and right now they find it hard to love you. Can you forgive them for that? Can you show them that you know how to forgive yourself when you least likely need to be forgiven? Show what you have received to one who does not want to easily give and watch a miracle develop right before your eyes. It’s simple to say, yet hard to follow through on unless you’re committed to the relationship.

There is always a cross to remind us no apology works. We can’t justify our sorry selves. So, let’s quit thinking we can and bluffing our kids about it too. Kids know it ain’t right and they’ll forgive you for being…

One of the main lessons that every parent has to teach their child is not to take candy from the store when checking out unless you pay for it. Time after time this is one of the lessons I hear from adults about their growing up years, back in the day when candy was a penny or a nickel. Often these stories follow with the shame and humiliation which the person experienced by being caught either in the act or having made it to the car and then discovered. Most of these emotions always come when the parent, teaching the rule of responsibility, requires the child to return the good to the store clerk or manager. I’ll bet that you have your own experience just like this and similar feelings attached to it.

Today, I think that most have forgot the lesson of responsibility when taking something that doesn’t belong to us. Let me offer an example: You are nothing more than a simple-minded follower who has absolutely no innate ability to stand up for what you truly believe. I could have used stronger language, but there are children, namely you, who might be mentally harmed, commonly called retarded, from such language.

Question: Did you take offense at what I wrote? If not, what would require you to take offense?

Now the lesson. When someone takes something that doesn’t belong to them it is called stealing. One of the ten commandments clearly states that we are not suppose to steal. If my intention was never to offend you, yet you took offense, you stole something from me that wasn’t yours to have.

Now comes the troubling part to this fickle arrangement. Some people believe that having taken offense, they should return it back to the person they took it from. After all, isn’t that the responsible thing to do?

Ask professionals who works with developmentally delayed individuals (we can’t use the “R” word anymore because it might…) what is the common characteristic which they all display when interacting with people and most will claim how due to their immature nature, they often react without thought of the circumstance which will follow. Maturity is demonstrated by responding appropriately.

Did you react when you stole from me? Or, has maturity formed and dictated a more appropriate response? The highest levels of maturity seriously don’t even deal in this realm in case you’re interested. But that’s not…

Obviously, this small example is designed to make a point about the nature of offense. Often, we take what wasn’t ours in the first place and then feel it well within our rights to return it. The results are apparent on many fronts in each of our lives. Rarely, do we ever consider that offense was never the intention of the other from the beginning.

While this is a lesson in responsibility – we are accountable for how we take the acts of another – it is also a greater lesson in grace. Sure, grace should be the offering made to the other person, yet how about ourselves? If we functioned properly in a grace environment we would immediately recognize that all communication requires grace for both parties due to the limited nature of the language trying to convey the message. No one truly comprehends the subject matter from the same perspective as you, so cut them some slack (also known as grace) for their ignorance. You’re just as ignorant too.

Wait a minute! Did I sense your hand trying to take something which doesn’t belong to you?

In 1989, Don Henley, a member of the band The Eagles, recorded his third solo album with the lead song called “The End of the Innocence.” The opening stanza and chorus are as follows:

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn’t have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standin’ by
But “happily ever after” fails
And we’ve been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly

But I know a place where we can go
That’s still untouched by men
We’ll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

While Henley was writing about the tumultuous events swirling around America in the late 80’s, I think that these words can very appropriately be applied to the age of grace the church is experiencing. For most of us coming into an understanding of the fullness found in grace, our religious innocence disappears, sometimes wistfully, while at other times as a violent clap of thunder followed by a deluge of tears. The longing for the days when tried and true Bible stories (the fairy tales spoken of in the song) seems to many just one of a number of relics to a thought about how God functions in the world.

Grace, as it is being offered today in most congregations, is the post-modern result to religious indoctrination, leaving in its path a flock of nihilistic believers longing for a place where they can experience the love of God just as they did in the beginning of their faith. Allow me to explain this a bit further if I may.

The standard religious teaching the church has been promoting hasn’t changed much over its 2,000-year history. The age of Enlightenment came upon civilization and suddenly those teachings came into a stark contrast to the discoveries of science. Questions about the stories in the bible, its dependability as a resource for the newest understandings of the cosmos and the place of mankind in it began to chip away at the institution that society had been built upon. Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher of this era, gave this critique to the results the Enlightenment produced:

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

Post-modernity came on the Enlightenments heels sometime after the second world war and everything got called into question. Morals, values, gender, relationships, marriage, church, the state, there wasn’t one thing that hasn’t receive the glaring gaze of scrutiny in this age. Everything has fallen to deconstruction and hence became relative, it only applies to me when I care for it too. Nihilism is the norm. People feel empty without any compass to guide them and consequently just do whatever feels good in the moment.

Throughout all these events, the church continued with its message trying to keep the lid on a social pressure cooker. Morals, values, gender, relationships, marriage, church, and the state had already been spelled out in the bible and there wasn’t one thing that needed to change to fit a society the church saw as corrupt and living under the sway of the enemy. It is “Our way or the highway,” and shrinking attendance across all age groups has begun to demonstrate the importance of being relevant.

In one instance just consider how prior to knowing about grace lost souls were the focus of all your activities. People who weren’t a part of your belief structure were targets for conversion no matter how far away they were from you. If you couldn’t get to them, there was a ministry planted into the heart of the enemy’s territory who you could sow your seed of evangelism into. This, along with various prayer events and conferences were the life of every believer looking to win the souls of the lost.

Grace hits and you suddenly see the foolishness of such activities merely as an attempt to pass on a “get into heaven free” card. There are no lost souls; grace dealt with everyone, equally. The sinner’s prayer became a totem to the innocence lost. Evangelism, according to the past methods, we treated as an exit strategy, not a plan for living with heaven on earth. Heaven, that place untouched by man, became the chorus of our innocence, all we strove for. We faced the realization that all are not as lost as those who think others are.

If grace did all the things we were led to believe were our responsibility, what is the point of it all then? Why get involved with anything or anyone for that matter? Hell, why even go to church, particularly if all they’re going to do is preach that old-time religion? I’m free in grace, the law doesn’t bind me anymore. I’ll just marinate in my bliss.

Enlightenment did kill the god we thought we were supposed to be in the world. Grace put the trinity back in the divinity business. But most teachings forsook the “now what” reality of life and kept the Trinity in a box on a shelf just out of reach. No one seems to have considered the implications of, “how do you live heaven on earth?” particularly if this has always been the intention of the Trinity. After all, what would have the story been like if the man and woman hadn’t eaten from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? Would there have been an end of the innocence we seem so eager to return to?

Maybe it’s time to evaluate our doctrines of the finished work of the cross not from the vantage point of just being on the cusp of a new move of God but from being deep in the thick of one which has been ongoing since the creation event. How would knowing that Christ has been living in all the world throughout its entire history change your perceptions about living in the grace of the Father? Could it change how you see all people and their lives? Is it possible that grace truly is the end of our innocence in a make-believe world and the stepping stone into maturity where sons of the Father live the reality of being in two dimensions simultaneously?

Maybe it’s time to ask yourself the questions which have been brewing in your heart about the reality of heaven on earth and you being a part of it. Realize, however, it will be the end of your innocence.

Walk into any church across the landscape of religion and you can fit in real nice – accept for the elephant, which seems to take up the majority of the room, is going to cause you to get a little closer to people than you might really want too. Don’t be concerned, no one really pays attention to the elephant. You on the other hand…

Look around – really look – you’re not going to think there is anything abnormal. Elephants do that, they change perceptions. As a matter of fact, almost everyone you will see looks just like the people you work with, the students in your class, the servers at restaurant, and clerks at the grocery store. They look, but more importantly, they, even you, act alike. Elephants cause us to respond alike, how else can you maneuver around them without bumping into one another.

The grace movement has one inescapable truth: Everyone, no matter who or what their history, is included. There are no exclusions, period. Even elephants. Actually, the elephant in the room is the most “grace” event the earth has ever experienced. Everyone, smallest to biggest, obscure to prominent, walk around tethered to this grace-filled elephant.

You know the trouble with elephants in a room? No one wants to be the first to say it’s there. Some have even developed the knack to feign they are present at all even when they’re acting up. And it seems when elephants are acting up the most is when people are most ignorant to their presence, kind of an “out-of-sight-out-of-mind” thing.

So, what is this elephant we are all so attuned towards yet remiss in the social graces to acknowledge? Suffering.

We live in an age of improvement, self-help, arm-chair psychiatry. The majority of the church plunders the pages of the bible trying to find a prescription to an elephant-size issue which the entirety of humanity has faced since the dawning of self-discovery, continues to face today in massive proportions, and will continue to experience for time eternal it seems. Suffering.

Across our televisions we witness the atrocities of war inflicted upon non-combatants and think nothing of it simply because it doesn’t involve me and my four. However, the bread basket of this nation will sit on rapt attention every Sunday and listen to sermon after sermon about the battle we are fighting against the kingdoms of darkness. Who truly is suffering? Those who have lost limbs and loved ones or those who have lost their minds in the BS of religiosity? (Maybe both, the latter know viscerally, the former…)

Suffering varies for all. It may take the appearance of a medical condition; a failing business, a failing marriage or relationship; lack of finances or insurance; drug abuse; emotional and physical abuse; people who don’t think things through or those that over-think the simplest matters; political affiliations or social justice infractions; death of a loved one or the death of an estranged member of the family who left so many questions unanswered.

It is foolish to quantify suffering. Life, in case you haven’t realized yet, is not a game won by points accrued. I know people who deal 24/7 with massive medical/mental issues, yet the sufferings of their life come when an order for coffee isn’t correct! All hell has been turned loose on them because whip cream was added. It takes them years to recover from the trauma.

Why? This is the golden question of all suffering. It typically comes on the throws of a bout of high anxiety. “Why me? Why this? Why now? Why not so-and-so?” (That last iteration never is spoken as much as implied. Don’t deny it; we’ve all been there.) The answer to this question is not simple. But there are 3 basic reasons for the suffering.

1. You’re stupid. Not very encouraging I know, but if you don’t know, you don’t know. Stupid may not be the politically correct term to use but it gets the point across. You’re the reason, period. Your decisions and actions resulted in the suffering you’re experiencing. Sure, one or two of these might have been correct, however, suffering which is self-inflicted is the cumulative effect of stupidity.

2. You’re a victim. This suffering comes at the hands of another agent, often inadvertently, but can also be a result of malicious intent. Most who experience this form of suffering make every effort to overcome. There are those few who, regrettably, will see this as a reward, a badge of honor, and chose to remain rather than move on. See reason 1.

3. You’re human. This is the most denied reason by those in church. “I’m a spiritual being having a human experience,” is often the glib quote uttered as evidence to this denial. Without having to resort to reason 1, let me inform you that everything is spiritual, including your suffering. Here is a cherry-picked bible verse to confirm it.

1Pe 5:10-11
(10) But the God of all grace, who hath called us to his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, establish, strengthen, settle you.
(11) To him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.

First, understand that this passage is part of a prayer; that is what “Amen” indicates. Who prays for someone to suffer? Well, apparently someone who recognizes that it is spiritual to do so. Notice that suffering lasts for a while, not eternally. Yes, it might last a lifetime, but not eternally. (I know, that is not very encouraging, but it removes the ability of us to say that this suffering has been going on forever.)

This verse gives us the answer to why humans suffer. Yes, it applies to agnostics, atheists, Hindus, Buddhists, Muslim, Jews, Mormons, Jehovah Witness, democrats, republicans, socialists, communist, libertarians, hell, even Baptists, Protestants and Catholics get in on the actions. You’re probably not going to like this answer, so you better sit down or at least brace yourself.

All of us would like to feel established in our lives, settled in ever activity, strengthened in our character so that we could call ourselves perfect. This, regrettably, does not happen without suffering. Some suffering you’re experiencing right now is leveling you (it’s okay to admit it); you’re all shaky-wobblily, like a table on stone pavement. Your suffering is intended to make you firm and stable. It’s not going to prop you up but wear down the high spots which are causing you to tilt in the wind.

The biggest casualty to suffering that we all experience is the degrading blows our ego takes. We like to think of ourselves as indestructible, superman able to… Wake up and smell the coffee-scented roses, tiger. Suffering is designed to knock us down a few pegs in the ego department. As great as you might think you are, there is coming a moment which will hack off another inch of your self-imposed stature, despite how much you’ve been whittled down already. You’re not there yet – but you’re making good progress, right?

Look, the church has succumbed to the faith trap in order to deal with suffering. The trap – speaking those things that be not as though they are – closes the eyes to the reality of the situation, some which require immediate action to keep them from escalating into thermonuclear destruction. Congregants plaster fake smiles on their faces, rub palms with illusive people and praise God for the marvelous blessing they’re all waiting to receive if they could just get out of their daily hell by the skin of their teeth.

Consider this: Jesus tells his disciples that he his sending his Spirit to them, a Spirit he calls the Comforter. This is not a wool afghan designed to keep the chill off you in the wee hours of the morning, folks. People who suffer need comfort and the person who provides it is the Comforter. Also, why is Jesus referred to in the book of Isaiah as the suffering servant? Because…he…suffers? Right. God, in the human body of Jesus, suffered. “Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.” He suffered our stupidity, a human victim of our insufferable humanity.

I did not write this to be uplifting (obviously) or over-bearing (hopefully). Practicality is missing in most churches simply because we feel more willing to live with elephants than with flesh and blood experiencing life’s ebb and flow. The inclusive nature of God is to accept suffering as an authentic badge of humanity; it is the signpost of suffering that most of us are willing to disregard while proclaiming a “kingdom lifestyle.” It is however, the purest form of grace we all experience. We all have the grace to suffer. Elephants not included.

When I was teaching in college, one of the running questions in class at any test time was, “Will you be grading on a curve?” Students will do anything to excuse their lack of preparation and this question, I found, was the prime indicator they spent the night before doing something other than studying.

Does life grade you on a curve? Obviously, the answer to this question is: only by prolonged overeating.

Everything we do has an affect to something. We can’t modify the impact no matter how much we would like to. Life tests us. What you see is what you get. The apostle Paul saw this and penned this epic statement, “All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.”

Fundamentalist thinkers enjoy beating hell into people with this verse. Let’s face it, no one – you, me, or any of our friends and leaders – can live up to the expectation of being god-like. We are hopelessly lost, miserable souls squandering our measly lives as an act of groveling worship to an omnipotent being who is out to swat us into eternal conscious torment by the flames of our disgrace.

(You have no idea how difficult it was for me to write that paragraph!)

There are those around who would like you to believe that life is a game, a contest, winner take all. The trouble with this is at the end of your winning life, as you lie on the bed, gasping for precious air to sustain your winning soul, what are you taking with you and where are you taking it? Naked you came into this world…

Dualists hate this type of thinking. Simply put, because they fail to think far enough out, they don’t recognize how the concept of winners and losers is a zero-sum game in life. Dualists are Darwinian, survival of the fittest; either you win or lose.

While life does not grade you on a curve, life is played on the curve. Yes, there are winner and losers, but how about those who have played, both winning and losing to the point of being tied, and then said, “The hell with it.”? Or better yet, how about those who play by a different set of rules?

Right after Paul made his remark above, he claimed, “…Being justified freely by His grace…” God grades on a curve called grace.

You see it doesn’t matter how holy you are, how righteous your actions have been, how unsoiled your past is, you failed hitting the target of being god. Yes, that is what this is all about after all. Trying to be humble enough to be like a god of our own creation. Yet, even this game produces only losers from both ends of the spectrum, exaltation to humility, and everything in between.

Grace looks at the curve from exaltation to humility and says, “Nope, that’s not how it’s done. Nice try, though. Here is your reward when you’re ready to accept it.”

That last part is the bugger. Dualists hate acceptance. There is no sense of achievement in it, no striving required. Just accept, just believe; faith. No. Too easy. “I’ve worked at this life and this is all I have to show for it. You want to tell me that it doesn’t mean something? You want to tell me that grace takes it all away and counts it for naught?” Yes, if all those “things” were attempts to make you appear or feel worthy. From grace you already were worthy. There is nothing you can add to it, or just as important, nothing you can subtract from it. This is what living life on the curve is all about. The game is won even before you begin.