The faint to blaring shrills of my mother often ring in my head during times of conflict. “You tell them you’re sorry!” “You go over there right now and apologize for your behavior!” These two seem to be the most prominent ones, but any others always employ the same action: say you’re sorry and apologize.
I’m fairly certain that you’ve experienced the same treatment for some action you accomplished with great pride, only to have it rendered invalid by, “Say you’re sorry and apologize.” Begrudgingly, you probably did the same thing I did, slowly shuffled off toward the injured party, head hanging low, softly mumbled the obligatory phrase which leads to the redemption of your character, all the while knowing, deep down inside, you didn’t feel that what you were doing was right.
These are difficult lessons to learn as a child, however, the adults always remind us that this will be of benefit to us when we grow up. Then you meet someone who takes your breath away, who causes your body to vibrate in mysterious ways, and who, regrettably, stands at the opposite end of a small disagreement waiting for you to redeem your character, despite the implanted gnawing feel that this just ain’t right. What to do, what to do? (said to the rhythm of the tapping foot waiting…and waiting.)
Have you ever considered what “sorry” and “apology” truly mean? Did your mother ever explain to you the difference or gist of what your act was conveying? Mine didn’t, at least not that I recall during any of the times I was coerced into making these pronouncements. And, actually when I look back at my child rearing days, I don’t recall explaining this to any of my kids either. (Some today may interpret that revelation as an example of the woes of poor child rearing, both from my parents who it passed down to me, and I to my children. However, I survived the generation of the belt, worn on pants which occassionally graced your seat, which those same interpreters view as an archaic form of corporeal punishment venturing into child abuse, both at home and in the car. Get over it, I did.) Back to the matter at hand.
You pop some punk in the mouth. Are you sorry? Too violent an example? Ok, well…you trip over the dog and fall against the end table causing the heirloom vase from a great aunt to fall and shatter into a thousand shards of aggravation. Are you sorry? Before you plop the default response into the lap of a hysterical relative, do you know what “sorry” means? Dictionary please. Sorry means:
1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.:
2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic:
3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad:
4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.
5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful:
The first definition employs the word “regret.” Every time I hear that word I recall the line from that famous Frank Sinatra song, My Way, which says, “…Regrets, I’ve had a few; but too few to mention…” If Frank, who lived a pretty amazing life, only had a few regrets and wouldn’t even mention them, this vase, if it’s my way, is not on my regret list. This also goes for “compunction” which has to do with anxiety over a regret. No regret, no anxiety – easy peasy.
Sorry, for most people, means to be sorrowful, grieved, or sad. Honestly, most occurrences where these types of feelings and emotions are being displayed, seem for the most part, to be coming from the relative with the look of horror on their face. So, I’d say that they need to tell me they’re sorry, right? The more I think about it, parents, or order to set this entire matter right, need to impress upon their children to go up to people and tell them, “You’re sorry,” rather than, “I’m sorry’” which obviously the child isn’t, and never has been throughout this matter. Since telling the truth is an important lesson too, this will help the child to know how what they do in these matters is right when you tell people how their demeanor shows that they are sorry or sorrowful. Parents need to be ready to explain to their child that the exclamation of, “You poor, useless and pitiful wretch,” is not intended as a claim about the child but how this person really feels about themselves in their sorrowful state.
So, this brings us to the term “apologize” which is the action form of the word “apology.” Since your understanding of “sorry” has been torn apart and reassembled into its proper context, let’s call upon the dictionary once again to offer to us the meaning. Apology means:
1. a written or spoken expression of one’s regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another:
2. a defense, excuse, or justification in speech or writing, as for a cause or doctrine.
3. (initial capital letter, italics) a dialogue by Plato, centering on Socrates’ defense before the tribunal that condemned him to death.
4. an inferior specimen or substitute; makeshift:
I’ve already dealt with the regret issue and also the matter of stating that the someone who is sorry or sorrowful is not the one who is required to make a false confession. A defense for my actions, a justification of why I popped Jonnie in the nose for being a stupid person who insulted me, that might be a bit much for a child who can’t write very clearly and has already been judged and convicted by a parent trying to keep the peace with the neighbors. Even when I’m standing toe to toe with that sweet thing and look into those eyes enraged with hormones…there is no way my defense will be viewed as anything but an excuse from an inferior specimen who can be substituted by someone else. In those moments it is best to act as Socrates and just drink the poison.
Do you see how we have messed with the minds of our children? “Go apologize and say you’re sorry.” No wonder it never feels right. It isn’t, plain and simple! No child, and no adult, should be put in such a confounding predicament where being wrong is viewed right.
Now I know that some of you justification folks will jump all over my seeming dismissal of an apology because the purpose of an “apology” according to the first definition is to address the matter with someone who you have insulted, failed, injured or wronged. I truly believe that in each of these instances, an apology is not what is the answer. How? Consider that any defense offered for your actions, even if completely justified in a court of law, will never be fairly judged by your peers. The person you are petitioning, the injured one, is the judge and jury, and despite what you may think about fairness, they have spite for you. Don’t try to seem righteousness now that I have exposed this little chink in the old apology armor. How many times have you said, “I don’t accept your apology,” when one was faithfully offered?
Please forgive me if I stepped on anyone’s toes with my hobnailed boots. You see what I did there? Therein lies the answer. It is the path never offered to children, rarely employed by adults and seemingly mysterious in nature when presented before someone. Forgiveness. Can you offer it to another and receive it for yourself? God never asked you to apologize for killing his son, did he? God fully recognizes that Christians are a sorry bunch of people and every new believer becomes sorry too. But Jesus asked the Father to forgive us – all of us. Why? According to Jesus, because we don’t know what we’re doing. Much hasn’t changed since then and forgiveness still covers all the foibles we make with people.
Forgiveness permits us to act like God. After all, isn’t that truly, deep down inside what most of us want to be, God? Paul even commands us to act like God just like little children do. Ask for forgiveness when you’ve insulted someone. Ask for forgiveness when you’ve failed someone. Ask for forgiveness when you’ve injured someone. Ask for forgiveness when you’ve wronged someone. It’s not a defense; it’s a statement of the truth of who you are and how you blew it. Hopefully you’ll do better next time.
“But what if they don’t forgive me?” There is the remote chance that someone just doesn’t want to be like God. They probably realize that God is love and right now they find it hard to love you. Can you forgive them for that? Can you show them that you know how to forgive yourself when you least likely need to be forgiven? Show what you have received to one who does not want to easily give and watch a miracle develop right before your eyes. It’s simple to say, yet hard to follow through on unless you’re committed to the relationship.
There is always a cross to remind us no apology works. We can’t justify our sorry selves. So, let’s quit thinking we can and bluffing our kids about it too. Kids know it ain’t right and they’ll forgive you for being…
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